My friend Amy sent me this letter about being a mom. Amy and I were friends in high school back in Del Rio, Texas. We played tennis together. Amy is married and has 2 girls and 1 baby boy.
Four Things I Wish I'd Known As A Young Mother:
(Taken from a letter written by Laurel Foster)
I've been a mother for 18+ years. Jeff and I have nine wonderful children. But as a wise man once said, "The more I know, the more I know that I know not." My heart is drawn to mothers, especially mothers with young children. When our first baby, Christie, was on the way I was really scared. I wanted so much to do a good job. The responsibility I felt was almost crushing. My purpose today is a very limited attempt to fulfill Titus 2 where it says that older women should help younger women to love their children. Verses 3 through 5 read "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." My goal is to share with you some things I wish someone older and wiser had shared with me when I was a young mother.
#1: The Most Important Job In The Universe
Mothering is the most important job in the universe. How I wish every mother felt that in the depths of her inmost being. This is no second class calling. It takes every ounce of intelligence, energy, creativity and unselfishness for one person to raise another to successful adulthood. I wish we honored and revered mothers as they deserve. I wish there were tax breaks and other incentives to reward and recognize that laying your life down daily for little children is a career of the highest, most important caliber. I wish every night every mother would be told by every father that her work is essential and appreciated.
I was a registered nurse until I was promoted to full-time motherhood. I struggled for a year to feel important in my new career. I think it was Christie's growing ability to communicate to me that I was her whole world that began to give me the confidence that I wasn't wasting my life.
My belief, that motherhood is extremely important, has grown stronger and stronger through the years. If it is of any comfort to you, I have never regretted spending my life this way. One of the great cries of the human heart is to be needed. Your children need you. Your work is of immeasurable, eternal value. It is worth the high price of your life.
#2: Precious Little To Spare
I wish someone had told me you can't raise children well in your spare time. It might not have been such a shock to find out I was required to be available anytime, day or night, to help my child. I t might have helped me deal more patiently with giving up plans because of unexpected interruptions. If I had gone into motherhood with the expectation of serving 24 hours a day, perhaps I would have been grateful for every hour I did get to sleep, instead of resenting the three hours in the middle of the night that baby needed company.
I honestly thought that children did not require much time, but they do. People exclaim when they hear I have eight children, "Boy, I bet you're busy!" But the truth is that although eight children take all your time, two children take all your time. There is always something more that could be done for one of your little ones.
Laying down your life daily means being inconvenienced. It requires being very flexible. Please, give yourself a hug every time you are patient. Pat yourself on the back when you do successfully conquer selfishness to help your little one. Don't beat yourself up if you get angry at that sixth interruption during a project. Strive to improve but don't be harsh with yourself. Remember that the mother of your child has a very difficult, demanding job and be kind to her. Speak words of encouragement to her when she blows it.
Giving up your time is giving up your life. It is a requirement of motherhood but it is not an easy thing to do. One thing I have found helpful is to keep things as simple as possible. Be willing to bring store bought rolls to the potluck instead of homemade ones if that will keep peace in the family. Another hint is to ask for help. I got really discouraged a few years ago and my husband willingly took charge of the children from after supper until bedtime. I believe the Lord will bring necessary relief but we may need to ask for it. Older women should consider whether they are following the Scriptural mandate to help younger women.
The bottom line, however, is a mother's attitude. For me things work best when my expectations are very low concerning "free time". Your work is important and very time consuming. You can not do such an essential job in your spare time. I wish I had known and accepted that fact years ago.
#3: Change Your Tomorrows Today
It would have helped me if someone had encouraged me to develop skills and good habits as early in my marriage as possible. Hoping we would have more children, I began storing Christie's clothes when she was an infant. Somehow, about four babies later, I had this closet full of clothes that were difficult to use because they were not sorted by size. I am developing a system of boxing clothes according to size, season and gender but I could have saved myself much frustration if I had started this system when Christie was a baby. The same is true of washing dishes. I confess to you that when Jeff and I were first married I sometimes did not wash dishes for days. Now, with a family of ten, we must wash after every meal or the consequences are immediate and overwhelming.
The Laurel of today can be the best friend or the worst enemy of the Laurel of tomorrow. It is true you are very busy, but as the Lord gives you time, consider what habits you can develop while you have one child that will help you when you have three children. There are so many areas where this advice would have helped me. I wish I had the habit of putting photographs in albums or even getting film developed quickly. It would help if I wrote one short note a day instead of letting correspondence pile up. I have yet to come up with a system of dealing with clutter other than to have one large box in which to put it. You will be shocked to know I do not clean shelves, closets or even my refrigerator on a regular basis.
Even so, I have had success in some areas. I have learned to change a diaper when I first smell it and then to throw that diaper in the trash. I have learned to start Christmas shopping in November. The kids and I pick up the house almost every day. I actually wrote out these thoughts days, not hours, before we got here this morning.
There is always room for improvement in skills and habits. Wherever you are, remember that what you do today will affect tomorrow. Unfortunately, that is much easier to see with eight children than with two. If something is needing a little attention now, I encourage you to really stop and consider how to conquer it before your family gets bigger or busier. If not dealt with effectively, a small problem tends to become a big problem. As time allows, without being harsh with yourself, develop good skills and habits and be your own best friend.
#4: Be Content With 80%
Although it is true that we need to strive for improvement, it is also true that we need to accept gracefully the limits of time and energy. I rarely get to finish projects to my satisfaction. Even in something as basic as laundry, it seems there is always one more load to do. That is why I wish someone had told me long ago to guard against perfectionism.
Much of my anger stems from situations where I almost complete something and circumstances force me to quit. One little saying that gives me some comfort is "Be content with 80%." Life is much more fun when we congratulate ourselves over the ten Christmas cards we did send, than when we mourn over the fifty we did not send. If your child is sick and you're up all night, please sleep late the next morning without guilt. If a sticky-faced toddler interrupts your devotions and you only had four more paragraphs to read, be patient with him and with yourself. God understands that you tried.
Deuteronomy 33:12 says in part, "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him..." There is tension between striving for perfection and resting in the Lord. God knows your heart and, if you look carefully, you know your motivation. You know if uncompleted work is the result of being lazy or if it is due to your first priority (Baby) bumping your second priority (housework). The simple answer is to ask the Holy Spirit how to best spend your time and energy in each situation. I am more relaxed and pleasant to live with since I began to grasp that earthly work does not have to be done perfectly. Frequently, 80% is good enough.
So, if we had a chance to talk, and you asked me to share some insights that the Lord has given me over the years, I might tell you to realize that motherhood is the most important job in the universe, to expect little "free time", to strive today to make tomorrow better, and to be content with 80%. Then I would hug you and tell you that God and I both appreciate every effort and sacrifice you are making to raise your children. I would assure you that you are not wasting your life. May God give you hope and help as you daily lay down your life in this high calling.
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